GroundZombie Day: The Movie
by InsertHilariousPenNameHere
Summary: Columbus' last thought as he slammed into the windscreen of the car and died, was that he really ought to have followed Rule #4 more closely. Well, maybe he'll get it right next time. No? Well, how about the time after that? Zombieland in the style of the Innortal Loops. Rating may change.


_**GroundZombie Day: The Movie**_

In which Columbus finds himself right back at the beginning of the movie, and decides to make the best of it. There will be a wide range of genres, but mainly comedy. Also, I'm British and am not very experienced with Americanisms, so if you see any problems, please point them out.

Disclaimer: I own no Zombies. I own no land. It should be clear that I don't own a combination.

/^*^\

When Columbus awoke to thuds at his door, and a girl screaming, he was at least ninety percent sure something was wrong. The last thing he remembered was being in the van with Little Rock, Tallahassee and Wichita- Christa, even. Damn, he still had to get used to that. Anyway, they'd been driving down a road, a huge oil tanker had come out of _nowhere_ and they had hit it head on. Of course he hadn't been wearing his seatbelt, and had been thrown through the window and, presumably, died. Except that he was here, now. Alive and well.

If anything, that whole situation had reaffirmed Rule #4: WEAR SEATBELTS. And he was going to stick to that rule a lot more strictly this time. A _lot _more strictly.

That brought him back to the present, as he got up from where he was sitting to go to the door. Tallahassee and Wichita- Christa, _Christa_ – must have dragged him into a block of flats so he could recover. Strange, flats tended to be infested with zombies. Maybe it was an oversight?

He answered the door – the screaming had words intermingled, so he was reasonably sure that it was a human out there – and mused that, for some reason, he recognized the voice. As he unlatched the door and pulled it open, a girl stumbled in. Wait, was that-!?

"406?" He exclaimed, eyes bugging at the sight. "What- what are you-?"

"Please," 406 cried, hugging him around the chest and sobbing. "Please, there was this old guy, and he was running towards me, and I thought he was, y'know, running away from something, or towards something, and then he was running towards me, and, and…"

"He tried to bite you?" Columbus said, still in shock. This had all happened before. How in the hell was he back again? Was all that a dream? But if it was, how did he dream exactly what was about to happen? What was going on?

"Y-yeah…" 406 said, the steam going out of her. "How did you know?"

"I…" Columbus hesitated, searching for an answer. "I saw it happen, a few days ago." That was true. They had seen a zombie tearing into a body on the road a few days ago. Tallahassee had taken its head off with the edge of shovel as they drove by. Columbus was pretty sure that gave him zombie kill of the week.

"R-Really?" 406 said, looking up at him with red eyes. "W-what do you think it is?" Her voice wavered, and she looked on the verge of crying again.

"I hate to say it, but, given the evidence…" Columbus _really _didn't want to tell 406 it was zombies, but… "I think it might be zombies."

406 didn't laugh. She looked like she might start crying again. "Z-Zombies?" Her eyes began to well up. "Oh god… I got… I got bitten…" Tear streaked down her cheeks, and she hugged him again.

"Well, I don't have any actual concrete proof, so…" That was a blatant lie, he had very concrete proof – or did he? Was that whole _life _a lie? He desperately didn't want to think about that, but if it had been… How had he predicted the future so thoroughly?

"Yeah…" 406 said, tears still pouring out of her eyes. "I'm just gonna… go to sleep…"

Columbus nodded, and she laid down carefully on the couch. "I'll keep watch." He said. _Until you turn into a zombie and I have to kill you,_ he thought, but left it unsaid. He had a lot to think about.

406 fell quickly asleep, leaving Columbus with his thoughts. If he really had gone back somehow… Was that even possible? It broke every law of physics that he could think of, but if he had somehow predicted the future in a dream… Well, one thing was for certain. This time, he would make certain to keep Bill Murray alive. Maybe find a couple of Twinkies to warm Tallahassee up to him quicker.

He was distracted with his thoughts that he didn't even notice 406 succumb to mad zombie disease, and the advanced necrosis that seemed to overcome her as her flesh rotted away. He looked up to see her jump at him, one hand clawing at his face and her mouth tearing a chunk out of his neck.

_Seriously? _Was his last thought before Columbus, sadly, died.

/^*^\

Columbus awoke to sharp knocking at his door, and screams and pleas firing a barrage at him through the thin wood of the entrance to his apartment.

'_What. The. Hell.' _Was a pretty direct translation of his thoughts as he got up and moved to open the door. And standing there was 406. He was incredibly tempted to slam the door in her face at this point, but seeing a crying girl activated instincts that he hadn't even known he'd had.

After going through, for a third time, the whole spiel of calming her down, sending her to sleep, but this time _without _mentioning zombies, he cracked open two cans of Red Bull and downed them both. Hopefully, he'd be awake enough to realize when she started to turn, and be able to kill her before she attacked him. And on that note, he went off to find a weapon. He'd worry about what the hell was going on later, when his life wasn't in danger.

/^*^\

It had been a rough couple of months. The zombie pandemic had hit everywhere, and things were looking bad. So far, everything had gone according to plan – or at least, exactly the same as it had last time. He'd been visiting a lot more candy stores though, and – to his delight – found a few Twinkies. He'd had to expand from the little roller case to something slight bigger to hold provisions.

He wasn't giving up those Twinkies.

He'd made it to the highway he'd been on before, and he thought he was roughly on time. Of course, there really was no way to be sure, so he was walking slowly. If anything, he was ahead of schedule, and this was good. Better to be early than late, as it were.

It was another couple of hours before he heard the familiar sound of a motor in the distance. He looked back and, sure enough, there was that black Cadillac, with the big white '3' painted on the side. He'd never gotten round to asking why Tallahassee had that.

He backed up to the kerb, waiting for it to drive by, and held his gun at the ready. He was pretty sure the big man wouldn't shoot him, but he was ready to mind his words just in case.

The Caddy pulled up beside him, and the window rolled down. Columbus had his gone ready, his finger off the trigger just in case. Tallahassee had his gun pointed at him, but this time, Columbus wasn't trembling. Tallahassee stared at him for a few seconds, eyes considering him. Finally, Columbus remembered what he had done first time around, and held out a thumb.

He could see Tallahassee struggling not to smirk at that, and considered it a personal victory. He hadn't noticed that the first time.

If there had even been a first time.

Tallahassee jerked his head to the side, and Columbus let out a relieved grin. Things were going well. He hurried round to the side door and pulled it open, hopping inside.

"Thanks-" he cut himself off before he could say 'Tallahassee'. "Thanks. Uh, anyway, my name's-"

As expected, Tallahassee cut him off before he could continue. "Look, just stop. No names. I don't wanna get too familiar." He pulled his knife out and stored it by his boot, but Columbus decided not to mention the alcohol. He'd rather not waste Tallahassee's stash.

"So anyways, where you headed?" Tallahassee grunted at him.

"Ah, Columbus. You?" He asked Tallahassee. Not that he needed to ask. He already knew.

"Tallahassee." He said shortly.

"Well, Tallahassee and Columbus are both, uh, east." He began, but again, Tallahassee cut him off.

"Listen, Columbus, I'm not easy to get along with," he started, flipping his knife, "and I'm sensing you're a little bit of a bitch. So, I give this relationship till about Texarkana."

"Really? You'll take me to Texarkana?" Columbus said excitedly, just like he had the first time. "That's great."

"You're a plucky little spitfuck, aren't ya?" Tallahassee said dryly, then shrugged. Columbus fastened his seatbelt, and settled in, resisting the urge to tell Tallahassee to buckle up.

As they drove off, Columbus reached into his bag. "Hungry?" He asked, looking up. Tallahassee shook his head, and Columbus resisted the urge to smirk.

"Okay. More Twinkies for me, then."

Tallahassee's head slowly turned his way.

/^*^\

"So what was your first?" Columbus asked. Tallahassee had warmed up to him considerably after the Twinkies had been revealed, and Columbus felt like he could ask a question like that. See how Tallahassee took it.

"My first what?" Tallahassee responded cautiously, mind whirring through possibilities.

"Y'know…" Columbus fought down the urge to laugh at the look Tallahassee sent him. "Your first kill."

Tallahassee relaxed considerably at that. "Hmm, lemme think…" Tallahassee thought for a few seconds, then nodded. "I remember, it was this one fat guy, came running at me out of nowhere. At first thinking, 'what the hell is this fat bastard doin'?' and then I see he's got blood comin' out of his mouth, bits of skin hangin' off, and lookin' real disgustin'. So I think back, and I remember a lot of weird shit going down a week back, and then I think, 'it's a fuckin' zombie'. So I pick up the nearest thing," here he picks up his machete, "and I swing it, and the bastards head comes right off, no questions asked."

Tallahassee glanced at Columbus, who was nodding, a respectful look fixed on his face. "What about you?" He asked.

"Me? Oh, uh, it was pretty much the first day of the whole thing, right? So, I'm in my apartment, no clue of what's going on, and I hear someone knocking on my door and screaming. I get up to go check it out, and it's this hot chick from room 406." Tallahassee nodded, grinning. "So she tells me about this homeless guy trying to bite her, and I don't think anything of it. We lie on the couch, and she falls asleep. After a while I do too, and when I wake up, there's this horrible monster in front of me. She tries to kill me, and I go into the bathroom, pick up the toilet lid, and hit her across the face with it."

Tallahassee let out a laugh, and Columbus grinned. He shook his head, and they drove on.

/^*^\

The Twinkies, eventually, ran out. Well, when Columbus said eventually, he meant in about two hours. Tallahassee wasn't good at the whole rations thing.

They stopped at a grocery store, the same one they had stopped at in his first time around. Columbus didn't say anything when Tallahassee started talking about Twinkies, and he took care of the zombies, again, singlehandedly. Columbus was building up some serious respect for him.

Once again, they came to the back of the store, and Wichita – Christa? What should he call her? … _Better stick with Wichita for now, _he thought – walked out, surprising them both. _Oh right, _Columbus thought, _I forgot how fucking annoying they are at first. _He was incredibly tempted to take the opportunity and actually pretend to shoot Little Rock – he had gotten quite handy with the gun, and could probably aim over her head. See how scared Wichita got.

As Wichita gestured for Tallahassee and him to come after her, he propped open the fire escape with a cardboard box. Rule #22: WHEN IN DOUBT, KNOW YOUR WAY OUT. Y'know, just in case. He really didn't want to lose the Caddy again.

He jogged after Tallahassee and Wichita, looking at the situation. Little Rock's fake tears, Wichita reassuring her, and Tallahassee standing there looking solemn.

As he observed, Tallahassee walked over to him and explained the situation, after introducing Wichita and Little Rock. "Just don't act weird, okay?" He said, and made to walk over.

Columbus pulled him back. "Hey, I have a really, really bad feeling about this." He said. He wanted to one-up Wichita this time around, so that she'd have a little more respect for him, and he could accelerate the whole relationship thing. Hopefully.

"The hell you mean?" Tallahassee asked.

"Well, don't you think it's weird? Little Rock looks fine, a bit teary, and Wichita looks a little bored." Tallahassee gave him a look.

"You're reading too much into it, kid."

"Look, just don't make me use the shotgun. Use your dinky little rifle." Tallahassee gave him a confused look. "Look, it's pretty clear what she wants. Why would she invite us here if she didn't want something? Little Rock clearly doesn't want to turn into a zombie, and the way they're looking at us, I mean…"

Tallahassee nodded, jaw still set. He didn't like it.

They went through the whole situation again, as in the first time round. But this time, Columbus stepped back, allowing Tallahassee to step in and pull out his rifle. HE shook his head, aimed it, and-

"Wait!" Wichita jumped in. "I-I'll do it." At Tallahassee's look, she added, "Please."

Tallahassee reluctantly handed over the rifle. Wichita took it, and, here it came, she-

Pointed the gun at Columbus. "We'll take your guns, car keys, ammunition, and any food you've got on you." She smiled pleasantly.

Columbus tightened his jaw. "Now wait one fucking second here," He said, and stepped forward. He raised his gun, hoping to create a stalemate, only for Wichita to whip towards him, pointing the gun at him.

Her finger brushed across the trigger, and a deafening noise rang out. There was an intense pain in his gut, and he fell to his knees, suddenly weak.

"What… The… Fuck…" He wheezed, slumping to his side. Little Rock snatched she shotgun from his unresisting hands, and stepped back, shaking. This was clearly the first time she had seen an actual human shot, instead of a zombie.

Wichita was staring at him in shock, one hand going to her mouth. Columbus attempted to speak, but instead he coughed up a mouthful of blood. Tallahassee was crouched beside him, pressing his hands over the wound, a grim look on his face.

"Hey…" Columbus coughed out, and Wichita came a few steps closer. "Christa… Fuck… You…"

Wichita stepped back in shock, and as Columbus succumbed to the darkness, he let out a pained laugh.

Life was shit.

/^*^\

There was a rapid knocking at his door, accompanied by please and screams. Columbus twitched, then calmly stood up, picked up his computer, opened a window, and threw it out.

"FUCK!" He yelled, infuriated and breathing hard. "FUCKING WHORE BITCH!"

He was right back where he started.

/^*^\

So, that ends that, You have my apologies, readers of my other works. I watched Zombieland yesterday, and my muse wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

If you've read my other works, and came here from there, you have my sincerest apologies. I know it's been ages since I updated SS or BnK, and I apologise. SS may be retconned – I'm waiting for the results of the poll I put up, which might take forever. I am partway through the next chapter of BnK, but don't expect much for a while. I will come back to it at some point.

In any case, the point of this Zombieland loop thing is, in essence, my attempt to turn Columbus into a badass. So if you're not a fan of that sorta thing, best to stop reading now. Thank you.


End file.
